The box

My anxiety

It's like I'm trapped in a box.
There's me in this box and then there's my thoughts, floating  crashing around me inside this tiny space where there's barely any room to move.
Anything that anyone says manages to squeeze its way into the box, and as it crashes around with my thoughts I begin to analyse those words, question them, pick them apart and put them back together. Sometimes the things that people have said to me morph into new words, words that I think the people really meant when they said them.
My own thoughts, and people's words have no way of escaping.
I'm trapped in here with them.
The longer I'm in this box, the bigger and scarier these thoughts get.
The more I replay what people have said,
and now there's barely any space left and I'm suffocating
I need them all to go away, I need room to breathe but the more I beg them to leave

the bigger they get.

This box is invisible to other people.
Only I'm aware that I'm trapped here.
All they see is me acting completely irrational
'what's wrong with her?'   'just calm down'    'there's nothing to feel anxious about'    
'you were fine 2 minutes ago'         'come on, cheer up'

This is the box that quite often
controls my life

Sometimes I'm only in the box for a couple of hours
But sometimes days
and sometimes weeks.

Some days the box is extra small, and extra cramped, and breathing is extra hard
Some days the box is bigger, I'm able to move around and breathe but I'm still trapped here and it's scary.


Sometimes I wake up in this box, and fall asleep in this box.
Sometimes when I feel free and happy, I suddenly become trapped without warning, and there's no way of getting out.
 I just have to wait until the box opens up, and lets me out for a while

but please remember - I'm not trapped all the time.
Sometimes I'm okay and I can do fun things
there are days when I will laugh and smile and accomplish new things
but just because I'm not inside the box all the time, it doesn't mean I don't remember what it feels like to be trapped.
being trapped, alone, and unable to breathe does have lasting effects

when you're in the dark for that long, it takes a while to adjust to the sunshine.
so please be patient, loving, and kind.

- Savannah C, 15/12/15