The box

My anxiety

It's like I'm trapped in a box.
There's me in this box and then there's my thoughts, floating  crashing around me inside this tiny space where there's barely any room to move.
Anything that anyone says manages to squeeze its way into the box, and as it crashes around with my thoughts I begin to analyse those words, question them, pick them apart and put them back together. Sometimes the things that people have said to me morph into new words, words that I think the people really meant when they said them.
My own thoughts, and people's words have no way of escaping.
I'm trapped in here with them.
The longer I'm in this box, the bigger and scarier these thoughts get.
The more I replay what people have said,
and now there's barely any space left and I'm suffocating
I need them all to go away, I need room to breathe but the more I beg them to leave

the bigger they get.

This box is invisible to other people.
Only I'm aware that I'm trapped here.
All they see is me acting completely irrational
'what's wrong with her?'   'just calm down'    'there's nothing to feel anxious about'    
'you were fine 2 minutes ago'         'come on, cheer up'

This is the box that quite often
controls my life

Sometimes I'm only in the box for a couple of hours
But sometimes days
and sometimes weeks.

Some days the box is extra small, and extra cramped, and breathing is extra hard
Some days the box is bigger, I'm able to move around and breathe but I'm still trapped here and it's scary.


Sometimes I wake up in this box, and fall asleep in this box.
Sometimes when I feel free and happy, I suddenly become trapped without warning, and there's no way of getting out.
 I just have to wait until the box opens up, and lets me out for a while

but please remember - I'm not trapped all the time.
Sometimes I'm okay and I can do fun things
there are days when I will laugh and smile and accomplish new things
but just because I'm not inside the box all the time, it doesn't mean I don't remember what it feels like to be trapped.
being trapped, alone, and unable to breathe does have lasting effects

when you're in the dark for that long, it takes a while to adjust to the sunshine.
so please be patient, loving, and kind.

- Savannah C, 15/12/15

Hello/Introduction/Disclaimer

Hi.
Okay, I don't even know where to start with this blog. I don't even know if I'm ever going to show this to anyone who knows me but I'm just going to use it as an online diary. So if what I write makes no sense...or has stupid typos and awful grammar then that's why. There may be a time when I come on here to rant and I don't want to have to worry about silly things like my spellings during those moments. (I'll try and make it readable though haha)

I'm going to use this blog to try and vent the frustations that come hand in hand with having anxiety. In my bad moments I'll try and come on here to explain how I'm feeling, how anxiety feels and hopefully it will keep my mind focussed on something and help relieve some negative emotions. Obviously I won't be near my laptop at all times so I plan to write things on my notes on my phone, and then post on here when I'm able to.
I'm also gonna post when I'm having a good day, or when I accomplish something new. Cause I don't want it all to be doom and gloom :)

Like I said, this is basically going to be MY online diary and whilst I know it'll be public, I hope people will appreciate that these are my direct, personal feelings and anxiety comes in all 'shapes and sizes' - it varies between individuals so I'd appreciate it if you read these posts with sensitivity and understanding.

There may be times when I write on here during some of my hardest moments so some posts are likely to be pretty depressing so I'm gonna put this out there - if you're after a happy, positive blog... you are very far from where you need to be right now.

I hope this may help anyone suffering with anxiety too, although as selfish as this sounds that isn't currently my main purpose of this blog. If I do help someone then that's amazing - but this is all very new to me so I can't guarantee I'll be any help. If you have anxiety and you are reading this... I know, it sucks. But I do want you to know that you aren't alone.

A bit of info about me:

• My name is Savannah, I'm 21 years old.
• I've been to university and I now have a job.
• I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety this year (2015), however the more I learn about it the more I realise I have struggled with anxiety for a while.
• I am on medication for anxiety.
• I have other health issues which do cause me stress - which likely adds to my anxiety, but I won't be discussing the details of those health issues on here for personal reasons. At least I don't intend to. So if I ever refer to 'being in physical pain' I assure you that it's nothing life threatening, it's something I've had for some years now and I'm still undergoing treatment. But sometimes I do get very anxious about my physical health. Just clearing that up for you.

This honestly feels so weird to write this haha, I sound so damn serious but I promise I'm not a miserable person all the time! It's just gonna take some getting used to opening up.